Dr. Vince or: How I stopped worrying and learned to love the infomercial.
April 30th 2009 18:00
First, please watch this video....Done? Not yet? What? Hit refresh. Let it buffer. Ok now you're done.
I just found this video on another blog I frequent ( The Consumerist ) and after watching/listening for about half a dozen times, a question arose. Why on earth am I listening to a techno remix to a Infomercial? A better question would be why on earth have 286,847 other people done the same thing? Lets first look at the infomercial itself.
I haven't been on this earth that long, but for a good majority of my time here I've been watching TV. And for as long as I can remember TV, ive been an odd one. I've been told that when I was a young lad, two to three years of age, I would go to the TV and watch cooking shows. I didnt know how to tell time but i would know when the Galloping Gourmet would be on and I'd watch it intently. Fast forward to my later years (seven to ten) and you could find me watching late night tv infomercials late late late into the wee hours of the morning. I never understood why I loved the people hawking these gadgets, from what I've been told are total scams.
And I think I know why. Its because these people have the most powerful of weapons known to man kind, Charisma. They have the ability to sell millions of people a 5 dollar piece of plastic that chops celery , at $19.95 plus S H.
Lets look at our man vince here and figure out why people (mostly the internet) love this guy.
He first came into our lives as the ShamWow guy, a cocky spunky fellow with a Madonna microphone. He was essentially selling us a felt towel that soaked up liquids. But it was his assurance that this was going to blow your mind, and in turn your paycheck. Everyone has spilled soda before, most people have dogs or boats or RVs or at least something thats wet. Now, paper towels are a necessity. You will need them at some point, but this cloth spun in heaven will not only make you throw out your paper towels, it will make you dump water on your third uncle just so you can wipe him dry.
Vince shows us (and at the most carnal, creates) the needs/uses this device, crafted by the gods, can accomplish. This guy is your friend, he's helping you keep stuff dry, and thats a tough job...you can bet your ass it is.
His arrogant smile, his quick bossy attitude towards the "camera guy" makes him the guy we love to hate...but then hate to love.
So, right now you're asking "SHANE! SHANE! He's supposed to be likable, hes supposed to be this guy that wants to be your friend so you will buy his wares!". Yes, that is his job, and you're very astute for finding this out. But his magical gaze, his wisp full movements makes him your LOVER. He brings funny to the table, then spills soda and pet urine on it. Now your fun is ruined, your pissed at Vince, but he comes to the rescue with his Golden Thread Shammy of justice.
Now, the Slap Chop Vince. He's turning it up to 11, then chopping it into little uniform pieces to show you how easy it is to have 6 and 5 everyday.
This time hes doing an old favorite, the spinning blade food chopper. Ron Popeil did this in the 60's for gods sake, but not like this he didn't. He tells you how fat you are, how you need salad. Lets you know your life is boring, but he has the tools to turn you into an exciting-tuna eating kinda guy.
Hes weaving this audible tapestry of mystery, what will he chop to little bits next? "IS THAT AN EGG! OH NO ITS BREAKFAST ON THE GO!" you'll say as you watch this during the break on your Law & Order 12 hour marathon.
Now besides the usual quick talking, need creating tactics of usual infomercials, this one brings the Sex appeal. In short, you'll love his nuts. 'Nuff said. Then he pulls back, maybe that was too much, maybe someone changed the channel to watch the end of Neil Cavuto, hes gotta bring em back. Before the cable box has time to process the numbers 67 for Fox News, he tosses the worthless imitator chopper over his should and it lands in the fake sink behind him with a wonderful SLAM! Suddenly Neils chubby face hits your screen like a gunshot to your face. Quick, painful, depressing. You go back to see that Vince hasnt slowed down, he's offering the Graty for free! He's thrown the script out at this point, free styling Martini and Bikini together like he was DJ Jazzy Jeff. Not only is he funny, he's physically talented and can rap too!
By now you have 5 slap chops coming to you wrapped in ShamWows. Hes just a likable guy who's good at what he does. He has every good trait people love in this world. Charisma. Cockiness. The ability to through inferior products over his should into a small bin without looking. Poetry.
Now go up and re-watch that Rap Chop video, do some research on your new best friend Vince.
So next time you see Chef Tony offering up his super lids that can hold a pound of sharp screws (told you i like these things) take note of why this guy does many different infomercials. Note his skills and powers. And, maybe, buy some of his mystical plastic food protecting devices, forged from the top of Olympus.
--Shane
"You're Gonna Love My Nuts"
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